


the WORST meal i've ever had!

by craftingdead



Series: charlie will make cd a common tag if it kills them [17]
Category: The Crafting Dead
Genre: FUCK IDK HOW TO TAG THIS FBHDJK;', Implied Sexual Content, M/M, [always sunny font] the gang harrasses ghetto for getting some, read the title in a john mulaney voice please god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 04:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15678192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/craftingdead/pseuds/craftingdead
Summary: “Why do you look so smug?”Ghetto ignored her, instead leaning against the back of his chair, letting out a less-than-quiet groan. It was way too early to be getting up, but that was life. He pulled the chair from its spot, scraping it across the floor, and took a seat.“Seriously, why do you look so smug?” Jess leaned in towards him, an eyebrow raised.





	the WORST meal i've ever had!

**Author's Note:**

> warning for a lot of nsfw talk (no like, fucking explicit shit. the gang just likes harassing each other). ghetto hates his friends, specifically shark and jess.

“Why do you look so smug?”

Ghetto ignored her, instead leaning against the back of his chair, letting out a less-than-quiet groan. It was _way_ too early to be getting up, but that was life. He pulled the chair from its spot, scraping it across the floor, and took a seat.

“Seriously, why do you look so smug?” Jess leaned in towards him, an eyebrow raised.

Ghetto scoffed. “I don’t look smug. I'm just tired.”

AK, who up until this point had been busy shoving cereal into his mouth said, through a mouth full of food, “Got bad sleep last night? Nightmares? An annoying ticking sound keeping you up? Uncomfortable sleeping position?”

“You could say that.”

“Shut the fuck up about that ‘not looking smug’ business, you’re so repressing a smirk!” Jess yelled at him, tipping her chair onto the edge of its legs to glare at him. “You’re so full of shit!”

Now Ghetto had to repress both a smirk and a snicker. He turned his head away from her, crossing his arms over his chest and tilted his head up, “hmph!”-ing loudly. Shark grinned at him from across the table, swirling his finger around his ear. Ghetto rolled his eyes.

“Shove off, Shark, I can see what you’re doing.” Jess let her chair fall, slamming hard against the floor. She was leaning in way too close for Ghetto’s comfort. “Wait, wait, wait, hold on for a second—why the hell do you smell like sex?”

AK choked on his cereal. Doctor Jin, who’d very sleepily walked in and grabbed a juice pouch very hesitantly placed it down and slowly began walking out, before realizing the door was shut behind him. Ghetto shoved Jess away from him and squawked in protest. Shark eagerly leaned it and grinned up at Ghetto, an eyebrow arched. Ghetto wished he could force it down. “The fuck you mean?”

“I mean,” Jess said, laughing into her hand, “you smell like you’ve been doing or have done the nasty recently. Have you been doing the nasty, Ghetto?”

“No! Fuck off!”

“You sureee? Absolutely positive?”

“I think if I did do the nasty I would’ve remembered it. Besides, there’d be like, no time to actually do the nasty, jackass,” Ghetto huffed, lying through his fucking teeth. He was positive Jess could tell. She was like a fucking bloodhound.

Jess, in response, raised an eyebrow. “There’d be time if you made time for it, idiot. Like, who wouldn’t want to have an end-of-the-world fuckfest?”

AK pushed away his food. “I think I’ve lost my appetite.”

“Me too,” Jin said, looking between the table and the door frantically. “But… if you did have… you know… _intercourse_ … did you use protection? Because, even during the apocalypse, sexually transmitted diseases are still resent and very, very dangerous, along with the fact that if the other person had a female reproductive system, you’d have to deal with pregnancy—”

“ _Please shut the fuck up_ ,” Ghetto hissed as Jess and Shark roared with laughter.

“I’m sorry, but it’s a true concern!” Jin protested.

“Ghetto, I thought you were into dudes,” Shark said while wiping away the tears that had formed in the corners of his eyes. “Don’t think that would be a problem.”

“Guys can have pussies too. Don’t be a transphobe, Shark.”

“Oh shit, sorry”—Shark turned to look over at Jess, who was horribly hiding the grin that had spread across her face—”and you’re fucking with me, alright. I can never tell when you’re joking or night. Also, does Ghetto telling the doc to shut the fuck up mean that we are correct and Ghetto did, in fact, fuck someone?”

“Shark I hate you. You’re the worst kind of person.” Ghetto buried his head in his hands.

Shark grinned. “So I am correct?” A pause.

“Maaaybe.”

“FUCK YEAH DUDE, GET SOME!”

“Do we really have to talk about this here, at the dinner table, while people are trying to eat?”

“Shark shut the hell up!”

“Knew you had it in you!”

“Was it hot? Did you top?”

“JESS!"

“SORRY!”

“DID YOU USE PROTECTION?” Jin’s voice rang over the rest, shutting up everyone immediately as they all, in unison, turned to look at Ghetto. Another pause.

“Maaaybe.”

“I’m going to take that as a no.” Shark snickered. Jin groaned. “You know, even if it is the apocalypse, you still need to be careful about these kinds of things! They can be dangerous and they can be annoying as fuck before it gets to the very dangerous part! You might’ve fought off a zombie infection, but can you fight off sexually transmitted demons?” Shark burst out in laughter.

“Can we _please_ drop the subject?” Ghetto begged.

“Sure!” Jess chirped. “Who’d ya fuck?”

“And you’ve officially made it worse!”

Even AK looked up for this, from his pretend retching he’d been doing for the majority of the conversation. The tips of Ghetto’s ears burned red and Jess watched him shrink into himself with a smirk and narrowed eyes.

She leaned in again, tipping her chair to look up at him. “Some rando you wouldn’t tell us about? A dude who you met on the street and decided to take home? A pal who you decided to keep secret from us all so he wouldn’t be affected by the horrible lifestyle we live, with Ross and everything, but thought it was safe to have a night of _passion_ alone with him since we captured Ross? Spill it!”

Everything burned. “Alright, alright, I’ll—Jess, what the fuck goes on in your mind?

“Is it someone here?” AK asked.

The room went wild.

“QUIET, QUIET EVERYONE!” Jess said, yelling like Jin did over the riot. Ghetto had thought that everything had burned before, but he was incorrect. Now, everything burned. “If it’s someone here we will know before night falls!”

“I fucking hate you guys, you know that? I hate every one of you and would gladly kill you for my own benefit. You guys are officially off of the Christmas card—”

The door opened. And Nick’s voice said, “What the hell are you guys yelling about in here?”

Shark eagerly turned around, smiling from ear to ear. “Ghetto got laid! But he won’t tell us who he fucked—” Shark stopped, his mouth falling open in shock.

Nick stood there, messy hair sweeping over his face, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and shorts. The t-shirt—which was much too big for him, seeing as he had tied the end of it up with a rubber band to manage its length—was slipping off of one shoulder, exposing his collarbone and with it, a precisely placed hickey underneath. It mirrored another one up his upper thigh, half-covered by the pair of black shorts. To finish it off, he tiredly looked over the table, and came to rest on Ghetto’s slightly shaking head and horrified expression, and decided that it would be a genius time to walk over and plop into Ghetto’s _lap_.

Ghetto could feel Shark’s shit-eating grin burning into the back of his neck.


End file.
